all i want to do is be a good friend

ive always been a good friend. never told anyone anyones secrets. i would always walk with someone wherever they need to. its just why does no one ever notice this? i was turned down like the worst enemy you could ever imagine when my friend was crying. i asked whats wrond but my other friend didnt reply and just went with her to her rooom. as if i wanted meant bad. as if!
like i do have friends who i've had for years. years. now thats a long period of time. and we trust each other and i hope i never let anyone down. but here..its different..i am not trusted for some reason. and i just wonder why. and it brings me to tears.

if i want to be skinny, why do i keep gaining weight?

so yeh summer is pretty much over. which is really really sad. and what is more sad is that its been so useless for me. i havent done anything. ive been wanting to do some work experience which i havent. and havent done driving lessons. and havent been to germany which were all my plans. this is so depressing. i see everyone travelling around the world having fun at the beaches and parties but all i do is spend my time home with occasional meetups with my friends(quite rare i must say). this suuuucks.

also i got my results....2 As, 1 B and an...E. like wtf??? for history?? if anyone only knew how long ive spent revising for this exam.. cant believe its an E. my teacher predicted me a B and said it was possible to get an A if i study hard enough which i did. well i still cant believe it.

life is unfair.

i'm so excited

i'm so excited...on the 2nd of july i will move in to my brother's place in oxford and stay there for about 6 days. this is because school finishes on the 2nd but i would like to visit two unis in london on their open days which makes me need to stay. the decision of unis is the hard one i've got to take. for a week or so i've been spending hours and hours on google search engine, ucas website and universities' sites. it's funny how when i start typing 'www.yo..' for youtube the yor uni website comes up :) i've almost been desperate and stressed out with all this research. but i spoke to my tutor and she was so supporting of me and it made me feel better immediately. now i am so looking forward to living on my own for a week. just imagine..buying co-op food, magazines, going for a walk around the town and getting take-aways. :) amazing, huh?
also i might want to make some contact with my brother's friends as they live in the same house and i don't want to end up being locked up in my room for the whole day. i am also seeing my friend from ukraine on some of the days.
no more school, no more matron moaning about something i've got to do..and finally i've got to go home on the 8th of July. woo!

diet obsession?

i've always been that kind of a diet girl. i really wasn't happy about my weight. not like some of the girls who weigh 45 kgs and say they're fat but i really had problems. my weight could fluctuate +- 15 kgs in just 2 weeks or so. and i never liked my body. i was always ashamed of it. living in 10 mins driving away from the sea i would go to the beach 2-3 times a year... right now i'm fine. i'm confident. i'm not anorexic skinny but i am far from being fat. i don't count calories, i eat real food. yesterday we were watching football and eating pizza. today i've been told by my brother that apparently as a girl i shouldn't be eating pizza often when i said i want to go to pizza hut. i should be taking care of my body so i had a salad when i was with him. when he left me i ate 2 kit-kats, a carrot cake and a sandwich. i know that sounds like a lot but really something has changed about me now. i don't want to be that obsessed-with-dieting girl. i don't want to eat lettuce for breakfast, lunch and dinner and work out 3 hours a day. i am so happy to eat something without thinking how many calories i have just consumed. to be absolutely honest, it sometimes gets to an act of showing off. i want everyone to see that i can eat whatever i like and i don't get fat. it somehow works for me. i can eat twice as much as a tall muscly man and then some other day i just won't eat as much because it feels like the right thing to do. one day i am active, the other day i don't move a lot. i used to go to the gym every day. now i'm over it i love my body, i got my belly button pierced the other day. now i am ready to be that confident girl with a hot body. i still generate my brain to thin i want to lose weight. because if i don't think that way, i'm afraid i might start gaining weight. it's always better for me to lose weight than to gain it. i'm not saying i'm perfect npw but at least i am not being as self-conscious and strict to myself as i used to be.

i am so tired. it's my first day of school and i'm tired. i'm tired and i'm bored and i feel lonely. i want some attention but instead i'm in my room and no one here cares about my location. i feel so lonely.

I am sooo fed up with people who get all mad when you say something without intending to insult them but they become so nervous they cant even tell you what youve done wrong
like my mom. we were planning to watch a movie but we couldnt start cos she had things to do so i was waiting for her for so long and then in the end it was less than an hour until she had plans so we wouldnt actually have time to watch the movie so ive told her that she should hurry up and she got all mad at me for no reason cos apparently i should have offered to help which ive done like twice but she rejected so now i am the one to blame
WTF?
:/

i wanna do something fun...please!
my friends have been to Bulgria for two weeks.. i havent been nowhere.. its been so long i havent had a proper rest.. i just sit home, go to cafes, cinema... all the routine
i want to go to another country with my friends too.. somewhere unusual, not bloody Cyprus -.-

basically what we.re gonna do is nothing

so my mom and my bro have gone away for 3 days. i'm having a lazy evening. watching tv and eating a lot. have no idea what to do for these 3 days.

basically what we're gonna do is...DANCE!

apricots

so i'm eating apricots. i'm home alone. kind of bored.
tomorrow might go out and then..football? not sure that i'm looking forward to this part.
might just cancel it. i like watching football if it's World Cup or Ukraine playing and it's Ukraine - Turkey tomorrow but i think i'm not bothered and i already have plans. so hopefull i will just have a quiet evening at home.
so what else?
i played tennis today. i think i'm getting better and better. i'll have to play tennis in my school so just getting ready, y'know.
still havent found out my results and my friend is pissing me off with asking me about them
it's not like the thing i want the most is to tell her my results... argh.

summer 2009

well summer is summer, and even if you spend it at home with computer and tv and waking up at 1 pm, you still love it.
because it's summer
my summer is lovely though. not like one of the bests but still pretty much interesting.
i'm in Kyiv right now but i went to Odessa for 2 days. well, all i've done is shopping, restaurants and long walks with my dad. and it was fine.
then i went to my grandmom's place. and i just came back yesterday. u know like sometimes you have these crazy nights when you get drunk and flirt with every single guy? well, it was one of those. so i drank the legendary Revo cocktail. people say you can get hallucinations if you drink too much. well, i was just plain drunk. and i was laying on a shoulder of my married friend. which wasn't that innocent because he just had a row with his wife so he tried to kiss me and all this stuff. the good thing is that even with a lack of soberness, i tried to slap him and i kept repeating that he has a wife and a son. he's quite cute though. but oh well i can't even imagine seeing his wife after this.
so the gcse results are out. everyone knows them except me. i don't quite know how do i get them. and it's not like i want them anyway. but i guess i'll have to find out. before anyone else does :)
so i think i'll keep updating you with the news. i have to practise my english anyway.

xoxo

its so fucking annoying cos u dont care about us.. u dont care about anything!
u say that we'll never see you again with a smile on your face
you like to make a tragedy of yourself leaving.. look i'm so great, cry about me...u dont understand how it hurts. u dont understand.
i remember sometime ago u told me u wont be missing anyone when you'll leave. and i still remember it.
we really do love you. u can't even imagine how much. how much we'll miss you. and what you really mean to us and me especially.
why do u have to be like this? why do u hurt people this way? don't u have feelings?


oh. shall i just give up trying? fuuck. i feel like crying.


:(

why my friends never understand how i feel?
they never get the reason. they need to get everything explained. but i won't explain.

people will let you down

you know on my way to school i always see this graffiti on the wall which says "people will let you down"
well, people do let me down. so much happened while i wasn't here. first, i wanted to tell you everything but i think there's no sense. i mean it's not the point. my biggest problem is that whenever someone close to me is in a bad mood it makes me feel sad. so today everyone was in a bad mood and my mood is all the bad moods added up. imagine, how i feel. i can't revise and i really have to.
fuck.

let's play a love game

hmm i'm totally inspired by lady gaga
i think i'm going to draw her as my final piece for art
she's strange but she's cool
and my brother is an idiot
what else? have already done my art gcse exam, hope it went well and the cambridge examiner(or whoever is coming to grade it) will like it
2 days till hooome
and tomorrow i'm making this goodbye party. just going to friday's to have a little chat and then probably going clubbing just for a bit
my friend has met this hot guy so i'm looking forward to see him :)

xoxo

:)

my first post in april
so basically, usual things happened. i've almost finished my art gcse
on the 21st of april i'm going to the UK to see the schools
and i feel amazing now even though it's almost midnight, i'm not sleeping, my room's a mess(i seriously need to cleen it up) and i feel fat(i've gained so much but at least i'm curvy now)
enjoying life and appreciating what i've got
the right psychology is to enjoy the moment without thinking about past and future. whenever you think you have problems, ask yourself: "are there any problems right now? in this second?" the most likely answer is "no". there's no problems at the moment. all your problems are regarding past and future. so why that's not a good reason to love life?

How to Lose 2 Guys in 10 Days

So basically, i said "no" to both of these guys who were making these attemps to meet up. Well not literally, of course, i was just acting careless so they had to give it up. And now i'm left with no one again. No more text messages while i'm on dance lessons. No more dates. No more anything. Well of course, i'll find another guy. Just not now.

SORTED

all sorted

now guys i really need to get more concentrated on studying and passing the most important exams in my life - gcse exams

it's like shit...it's like so shit

it's really weird. that bitch just ruined my life. but i won't tell you this because i'm so overexhausted right now.

it's really baaaad