all i want to do is be a good friend

ive always been a good friend. never told anyone anyones secrets. i would always walk with someone wherever they need to. its just why does no one ever notice this? i was turned down like the worst enemy you could ever imagine when my friend was crying. i asked whats wrond but my other friend didnt reply and just went with her to her rooom. as if i wanted meant bad. as if!
like i do have friends who i've had for years. years. now thats a long period of time. and we trust each other and i hope i never let anyone down. but here..its different..i am not trusted for some reason. and i just wonder why. and it brings me to tears.

if i want to be skinny, why do i keep gaining weight?

so yeh summer is pretty much over. which is really really sad. and what is more sad is that its been so useless for me. i havent done anything. ive been wanting to do some work experience which i havent. and havent done driving lessons. and havent been to germany which were all my plans. this is so depressing. i see everyone travelling around the world having fun at the beaches and parties but all i do is spend my time home with occasional meetups with my friends(quite rare i must say). this suuuucks.

also i got my results....2 As, 1 B and an...E. like wtf??? for history?? if anyone only knew how long ive spent revising for this exam.. cant believe its an E. my teacher predicted me a B and said it was possible to get an A if i study hard enough which i did. well i still cant believe it.

life is unfair.

i'm so excited

i'm so excited...on the 2nd of july i will move in to my brother's place in oxford and stay there for about 6 days. this is because school finishes on the 2nd but i would like to visit two unis in london on their open days which makes me need to stay. the decision of unis is the hard one i've got to take. for a week or so i've been spending hours and hours on google search engine, ucas website and universities' sites. it's funny how when i start typing 'www.yo..' for youtube the yor uni website comes up :) i've almost been desperate and stressed out with all this research. but i spoke to my tutor and she was so supporting of me and it made me feel better immediately. now i am so looking forward to living on my own for a week. just imagine..buying co-op food, magazines, going for a walk around the town and getting take-aways. :) amazing, huh?
also i might want to make some contact with my brother's friends as they live in the same house and i don't want to end up being locked up in my room for the whole day. i am also seeing my friend from ukraine on some of the days.
no more school, no more matron moaning about something i've got to do..and finally i've got to go home on the 8th of July. woo!

diet obsession?

i've always been that kind of a diet girl. i really wasn't happy about my weight. not like some of the girls who weigh 45 kgs and say they're fat but i really had problems. my weight could fluctuate +- 15 kgs in just 2 weeks or so. and i never liked my body. i was always ashamed of it. living in 10 mins driving away from the sea i would go to the beach 2-3 times a year... right now i'm fine. i'm confident. i'm not anorexic skinny but i am far from being fat. i don't count calories, i eat real food. yesterday we were watching football and eating pizza. today i've been told by my brother that apparently as a girl i shouldn't be eating pizza often when i said i want to go to pizza hut. i should be taking care of my body so i had a salad when i was with him. when he left me i ate 2 kit-kats, a carrot cake and a sandwich. i know that sounds like a lot but really something has changed about me now. i don't want to be that obsessed-with-dieting girl. i don't want to eat lettuce for breakfast, lunch and dinner and work out 3 hours a day. i am so happy to eat something without thinking how many calories i have just consumed. to be absolutely honest, it sometimes gets to an act of showing off. i want everyone to see that i can eat whatever i like and i don't get fat. it somehow works for me. i can eat twice as much as a tall muscly man and then some other day i just won't eat as much because it feels like the right thing to do. one day i am active, the other day i don't move a lot. i used to go to the gym every day. now i'm over it i love my body, i got my belly button pierced the other day. now i am ready to be that confident girl with a hot body. i still generate my brain to thin i want to lose weight. because if i don't think that way, i'm afraid i might start gaining weight. it's always better for me to lose weight than to gain it. i'm not saying i'm perfect npw but at least i am not being as self-conscious and strict to myself as i used to be.

i am so tired. it's my first day of school and i'm tired. i'm tired and i'm bored and i feel lonely. i want some attention but instead i'm in my room and no one here cares about my location. i feel so lonely.

I am sooo fed up with people who get all mad when you say something without intending to insult them but they become so nervous they cant even tell you what youve done wrong
like my mom. we were planning to watch a movie but we couldnt start cos she had things to do so i was waiting for her for so long and then in the end it was less than an hour until she had plans so we wouldnt actually have time to watch the movie so ive told her that she should hurry up and she got all mad at me for no reason cos apparently i should have offered to help which ive done like twice but she rejected so now i am the one to blame
WTF?
:/